Okay, here is my top-five list for this week. I decided no superheroes or time-travelling police boxes were allowed. This list is the top 5 television personalities I would want with me in a survival situation if something terrible happens. Please let me know if I forgot anyone more worthy. Obviously, this list would be all women if my wife was taken out by a tsunami.
Number 5
Dr. Sheldon Cooper: Science Expert Extraordinaire
Dr. Cooper built a nuclear breeder reactor in his backyard as a kid. He also has a phenomenal understanding of how the universe is put together. Sheldon could help restore and even improve our country’s infrastructure in the event of a disaster. However, and this is a BIG however, I don’t think I could stand him. High maintenance and suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, I expect that I would end up gagging him and keeping him in a box on wheels that I only opened to ask him questions and provide light for his solar-powered calculator.
Number 4
The Professor: The Almost Savior of Gilligan’s Island
Okay, this one may be a highly debatable choice. Everyone will acknowledge that the Professor was a gifted scrounger. He could build a radio out of a coconut for goodness sake. However, he never was able to do much to help get them off the island. Perhaps he was the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time. We also should account for the impact of the Gilligan Factor on the Professor’s efforts. As a whole, the crew of the SS Minnow probably would have escaped the island’s clutches within the first week had it not been for Gilligan’s bumbling antics. I expect I would have to terminate any Gilligan’s in my survival group before allowing the Professor to work his coconut-based miracles.
Number 3
Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable: The Younger Version of Bill Cosby
Okay, once upon a time before Bill Cosby became old and crazy, he was everyone’s favorite obstetrician and family patriarch. A demonstrated expert in parenting and child birthing, he could deliver the babies, make house calls, and run the local daycare center during a disaster. We assume he also could handle many of the mundane medical requirements that we could expect in a survival situation and also keep our spirits high with laughter.
Number 2
Michael Weston: Ex-CIA Agents Rock
I cannot say if Michael Weston accurately represents the training program at The Farm in Langley, Virginia. If his fictional capabilities are accurate, a small army of CIA agents could topple governments, balance the federal budget, and forestall the apocalypse as long as they had the support of their best friend, girlfriend, and mom. A knowledgeable warrior and techno-geek, he consistently demonstrates a strong understanding of how and why things work. He then uses this to his advantage to solve any problem he faces. I still remember the episode where he built an x-ray machine out of an old television.
Number 1
Angus MacGyver: Most of the world’s problems can be solved with a Swiss Army Knife and Duct Tape
A gifted scientist and secret agent, MacGyver single handedly got more young people interested in going to college for science and engineering majors than any other television celebrity. MacGyver was also a fantastic team player and leader. The only down-check on MacGyver was his aversion to firearms although others may consider this a strength. MacGyver could probably build a Geiger counter out of a shot glass and a stick of foil-wrapped chewing gum.
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I was thinking Heisenberg (Walter White) from Breaking Bad. Sure he had cancer and some family issues to work out, but he had a very active mind. He learned to embrace capitalism and fully understood supply and demand. His ability to apply his education and life skills enabled him to rise rapidly in his new career. Had things like his health, family situation, the law and a few neo Nazis not gotten in his way I imagine he was only weeks away from an IPO that would make Mark Zuckerberg look like a peasant. He embraced the American ideal of “the right to achieve” rather than today’s values and moral decay leading to the “right to receive” mindset. I suspect in a survival situation Heisenberg would fare well. My only concern is he would perhaps fare too well resulting in groups of “society’s victims” forming a parasitic government or coalition and forcibly redistributing his accomplishments to the chronically lazy and uninspired.
Off soap box time now.